Saturday, August 9, 2008

Life ain't so good!!!

For a long time I was plagued with an inferiority complex, which to a certain extent I still have. That bred in a me a kind of "stereotypism" that makes me hate or rather fear the question - "Keeshayo?" (For those who know me as Kiran, in NITC I am Keesha). I wouldn't say I lack discipline, but there were so many things that I wanted to do, which I was unable to. Initially I thought I was not disciplined enough. But, now I realize, the fear of that inevitable question, unconsciously rendered me into a state of inaction, where everything I did was what OTHERS expected me to do, not what I wanted to do. What happened to the football I used to play? What happened to my determination to play Badminton daily? What happened to my persistence to become physically fit?

So don't again ask me who I am or say that you don't know much about me even after working or studying together for a few years, for even I have no idea who I am. I am an enigma. People don't know me, or rather I don't let people to get to know me.

In all essence I am inherently vulnerable. But, with people not knowing me, a sense of legend is spawned around me. People tend to believe, after a period of time, that I have some capability to make some difference in this world. The seriously far-fetched over-estimations of my abilities gives me an intoxicating sense of power, a sense that I am different, an escape from the complexes that riddle me.

But the one thing I have been unconsciously developing over a long period of time, one attribute I am proud of having, is the power of silence. Silence is golden, and that pays off in the sense that whenever I choose to speak now, I make a difference, I am heard, my voice is not lost in all the other blabbering around me.

All in all, I want to be different. I don't want to trudge the same path everyone one else is trundling along. But whether I am truly able to make a difference, or whether I end up as just another wierdo, only time will tell.

2 comments:

D said...

I enjoy reading this blog for the honesty in your words.
I feel as though my recollection of you from childhood when this sense of self was'nt yet as established, mirrors how you speak now about yourelf. It is perhaps true that only by experimentation do we assume those cloaks to the spirit, that let us live in flexibility with the rest of the world. Sharing this perturbation toward an identity, that is not challenged by conflict, i associate with through phases in my own experiences. Making a difference is afterall subjective...

Nishad said...

come out and play dude..wot make u hesitate to play here wit us...