For a long time I was plagued with an inferiority complex, which to a certain extent I still have. That bred in a me a kind of "stereotypism" that makes me hate or rather fear the question - "Keeshayo?" (For those who know me as Kiran, in NITC I am Keesha). I wouldn't say I lack discipline, but there were so many things that I wanted to do, which I was unable to. Initially I thought I was not disciplined enough. But, now I realize, the fear of that inevitable question, unconsciously rendered me into a state of inaction, where everything I did was what OTHERS expected me to do, not what I wanted to do. What happened to the football I used to play? What happened to my determination to play Badminton daily? What happened to my persistence to become physically fit?
So don't again ask me who I am or say that you don't know much about me even after working or studying together for a few years, for even I have no idea who I am. I am an enigma. People don't know me, or rather I don't let people to get to know me.
In all essence I am inherently vulnerable. But, with people not knowing me, a sense of legend is spawned around me. People tend to believe, after a period of time, that I have some capability to make some difference in this world. The seriously far-fetched over-estimations of my abilities gives me an intoxicating sense of power, a sense that I am different, an escape from the complexes that riddle me.
But the one thing I have been unconsciously developing over a long period of time, one attribute I am proud of having, is the power of silence. Silence is golden, and that pays off in the sense that whenever I choose to speak now, I make a difference, I am heard, my voice is not lost in all the other blabbering around me.
All in all, I want to be different. I don't want to trudge the same path everyone one else is trundling along. But whether I am truly able to make a difference, or whether I end up as just another wierdo, only time will tell.