Saturday, August 16, 2008

Spirit's Down!!!

No longer do I have any idea what I am doing here. There was a time when I felt on top, when I felt I could be anyone I wanted here. I thought I had finally broken the shell that had been suffocating me for around three years before coming here. But I guess I was wrong. That ill fated question, "Keeshayo?" has made me so scared of trying out something, that once again I am descending into the gloom and darkness within the shroud I had thought I had shed.

Pai casually, a bit drunk, made a comment to me that if he was God, he would take the world back to the Stone Age. #*@% technology. Well that's all he said. And ya he was right. If we have to realise the value of being here on this earth, we will have to be constantly reminded of how difficult progress has been from the moment man set foot on earth to today. What better way to do that than compelling mankind to keep repeating that process over and over again.

And then my mind took over. I started connecting every nuance of that comment to my life in general and that made me sad but at the same time offered me a greater insight into the person inside me.

I am a person for whom a new setting is akin to a breath of fresh air. If I stay within any setting I tend to eventually become the stereotype that the society within that setting makes me out to be. Though initially, it is all fun and nice, for I would then only be defining myself in that new phase of life and I can be anyone I choose to be; with time, the definition I give myself in the setting starts suffocating me to such an extent that only a change would make me better. I need to constantly rejuvenate and redefine myself, else all purpose, all ambition, all dreams just start fading away. What's wrong with that? I like to change; change is a good thing right? well then, why am I feeling all lost and sad?

That's when it struck, you know. Till now I have been living in time constrained settings. I live there for around two to three years happily defining myself, till other peoples' perception of me takes my life into a constancy. Now, ideally in such a situation, I would like to call it quits, change the setting, leave when I am on top keeping only happy memories of that setting in my mind. But no. Till now in every phase of life (I have gone through three) my presence in that setting is already predetermined by other factors. For instance, I have to stay four years in NITC to get my BTech degree. So even after the stagnation point of that phase of life has been reached, I have to continue living there being sad that I can't do anything definitive, anything that would make me fit in that setting. The longer I have to live with this frame of my mind, the more I start to hate that place and eventually when I get out, the only memories of that place would be the sad ones over the last few years which would clearly overshadow the happier moments I had before.

Actually, I kind of like this place. I don't want to go out next year nursing only the bad memories accumulated over the coming year, for now, I have started feeling the stagnancy in this setting.

3 comments:

Paro said...

That ill fated question, "Keeshayo?" has made me so scared of trying out something,

This isn't wat the term 'keeshayo' should do to u...ultimately u r the one who decides who u hav to be...n its not other people's perceptions...

sharat said...

"Spirits down"?? i think the change which u always luk for is there 4ever.. only thing is that u got to sense dat change and respond accordingly..its all how we perceive things to be.. may be the stagnation which u feel is not really the same and is actually pretty dynamic, with u not being able to sense it.u r entrapped in the prototype set by u whereas in reality theres none holding u back.. dont be dogged down by the spirits of "KEESHAYO?" and let everyone know that "yes its me keesha", as these 'everyone' is a part of the system expecting stagnation and no dynamism..
(See any MATRIX analogy here? not my fault..)

Cyclops said...

@marar

actually, everyone needs a means to break free, free to change in some way or the other.. for me, as of now, it's this blog... my hope as of now is that when i start feeling free enough, change would then present itself in an inevitable manner...